Back to school

We are midway through September and mornings are getting just a little bit fresher and colder. Apparently next week we’re due a second summer, so, I’m holding onto that promise and in the meantime I’m trying to waylay the winter blues and see September as an opportunity. There’s always a freshness about the beginning of Autumn. New stationery, new notebooks, maybe new projects and new habits on the horizon.

My most boring life update (apart from that I’m now drinking decaf) is that I’ve been getting really into ironing. Coming back from my travels and spending time in my flat again I’ve realised how much my screen time has increased, especially in the evenings. This reliance partly has to do with solo travel, which always makes me more heavily dependent on my phone for directions, for social connection and also safety, all of which are necessary when you’re traveling alone in unfamiliar places. It also has to do with the fact that I’m between book drafts, so I’m finding it more difficult to focus for long periods of time, and, of course, the fact that summer is coming to a close and there’s less opportunity to spend long evenings out in the light.

We all know that feeling, when the mind feels contracted and foggy because you’re spending too much time on social media, which, by the way, almost never makes me feel good. And what really bothers me is that my tolerance for this fogginess seems to be getting better, not worse. So. This week, I downloaded headspace and I started from session zero. I’d stopped meditating regularly about a year ago when I fell out of the habit but it is the main thing that helps my mind to feel more spacious, and which helps me to hesitate when I reach for those familiar crutches to anxiety and distraction, and ask myself what will actually make me feel better. Even a week of meditating has done something to my mind. It’s not unlike the feeling of downing a cold glass of water when you wake at three in the morning, or coming up for a deep, deep breath when you’ve been underwater for a long period.

The other habit is ironing. Ironing in the evening, when I’m at home and watching TV and fall into the trap of thinking that scrolling while I watch is going to make me feel more relaxed. Of course, in a strange way, using my phone does make me more relaxed because it’s a kind of numb, disembodied state that can actually prepare my mind for sleep. But it also feels very much that I’m using those precious evening hours to congeal my mind, fill it with brain rot when I could be doing really anything else. So, this is where ironing comes in, which, until now, I have only ever done when it is really strictly necessary. Doing something with my hands, something sensory, like folding clothes, feels genuinely relaxing. I like the smell, which reminds me of my grandmother who ironed everything including socks, and I like the feeling of warm, soft fabric, the satisfaction of making my space a little tidier and more organised. I like watching the creases disappear and how neatly everything stacks once you’ve pressed it, and I especially like how good it feels to get into freshly ironed sheets at night.

If there is a point to this email is not necessarily to get really into ironing, but more that it can be very small things, habits and not overhauls, that can shift even the deepest feelings of dissatisfaction and malaise. That’s what I am hoping, at least, and I hope in putting this in writing it will be a little easier, next time those habits slip (because they always slip) to pick them back up again.

With love, Rosie xxx